Before you can connect with The One, you need to build a relationship with yourself. When loneliness and neediness are no more prolonged feelings that come up for you, when you are 100% confident the right person will come at the right time—until then, you are living life. A man is not responsible for your happiness. You are no longer consumed or concerned with whether you will ever get married or, even worse, going to places in hopes that you will meet someone and then coming home sad if it doesn’t happen, completely missing the moment. The void can only be filled when you have tapped into your inner-truth and know that you have everything in you right now to be happy. When you get to that place, men will start flocking in—but you will be so complete that you’ll be able to decipher right away if the guy is supposed to be in your life or not. You won’t fall into just anyone’s arms.
I believe we have to be in a place of wholeness to love someone else. An area of fullness never looks for anything or anyone from the outside to bring them joy.
I know it sounds cliché, but it wasn’t until I did this inner work that I understood why I attracted so many losers before meeting my soulmate. It was because of my own emptiness. Yes, we have drawn the frogs because we are not owning our Queeness (yes, that's a word, girlfriend!) and our lack of confidence.
As I mention in my new book Thank You for Walking Away, many of us have gone into a new relationship automatically assuming the person will be our husband instead of slowing down and watching his actions and asking tons of questions. Just because he piques your interest does not make him "The One." Learn from your previous lessons, and you will start making wiser decisions—even when it is hard to make them. You will remind yourself of what you desire in a relationship. That "why" will keep you going.
We shouldn't excuse men's conduct by thinking it is okay if he only calls you once a week, or if he doesn't keep his word, or if you have to compromise your values to keep him around. Men are usually very honest about what they want. When in doubt, watch their actions; they will tell you if he's seeking a monogamous relationship. Don't let anyone treat you like second class. You are magnificent and perfectly made. If the man you are seeing or talking to can't see it from the jump, then he's not worth keeping around. Walk away with your head high and don’t try to make him jealous by posting degrading pictures of yourself on social media or doing something else to catch his attention.
My favorite quote is: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Believe him, girl, you can't change him. Keep it moving and understand that you have some more inner work to do to attract the right man into your life.
Take 10 minutes to reevaluate your love life.
Maybe you are currently single. Or, perhaps you are entertaining a man (or men!) who is not worthy of the Queen you are. Or, perhaps you are dating someone you are unsure about. You can sense deep within yourself that you deserve better, but don’t know how to let go of what you know and step into the unknown. When on this path, you need clarity. Clarity is key!
For the next 10 minutes, jot down the pros and cons of the person you are not sure about, or someone you are keeping around because somehow you’ve convinced yourself a piece of that man is better than nothing. Ask yourself:
What are the great qualities that he’s contributing?
What are the bad qualities?
Do the pros outweigh the cons?
After you’ve jotted the pros and cons, grab another sheet and write down your Core Values in a relationship. I will share mine:
1. Peace — a man who is transparent about what he wants in life. We are both seeking marriage and having a minimum of two kids soon
2. Joy — a man who enjoys spending time with me, and there’s no drama. We enjoy each other’s conversation and company.
3. Love — a man who sees beyond my looks and sees my heart. He understands me without having to say a word. He’s a God-fearing man who wants to love me the way God needs him to love me.
Now it is your turn. What are your three core values? Now, look at the pros and cons list of the man or men you are currently talking to or in relation with. How do they stack up against your core values?
These exercises made me clean out my closet and refocus my energy on the qualities I’m seeking in a husband.
Once you’ve come to a place of not caring when your soulmate will arrive, you will start thinking and seeing much clearer. I identified my soulmate in the moment I let go of all attachment and allowed myself to see things from a place of “love and not neediness.”
Here are a few ways to instantly identify if you are talking to a frog or a potential soulmate:
For the first eight weeks, only meet in public places where you can have deep conversations. You don’t want to jump into anything sexual too soon; it can cloud your mind, and you need your emotions in check.
Let him talk more than you do. Do some intentional listening. Don’t be afraid to ask all the hard questions and listen closely to his answers instead of what you want to hear.
Review your core value lists and check to see if they are aligned with his.
Your future is better than your past. I know this to be true because you are going to make a conscious decision today not to dwell on your singleness. You are no longer going to accept just anyone into your life. Be patient and be okay with being single while you are working on yourself. Only then will you be able to attract your soulmate.
If you want to learn more tips on how to attract your soulmate checkout my new book “Thank You for Walking Away- How To Overcome Life’s Challenges and Discover Your Purpose” (Available now from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Mascot Books)